Evelyn Shaw, L.M.S.W.
220 Fifth Avenue
Suite 802
New York, NY 10001
ph: 212-561-1714
Counselo
Couples Therapy
The decision to seek help is often a very difficult one for a couple. Feeling misunderstood, carrying lots of anger and frustration, and having questions about whether it makes sense to stay in the relationship, one or both members of the couple are likely to feel nervous and skeptical about opening up to a stranger.
Partners often expect to be judged by a therapist and fear being "found guilty". Another fear is that a highly conflictual situation will escalate to an all-out war in a couples session.
What to Expect
Effective couples therapy is distinct from individual therapy. Individual sessions focus largely on a client's history and inner conflicts and emotions, with the goal of increasing self awareness and resulting in a newfound sense of integration and empowerment .
In couples work, however, we focus on the system formed by the partnership, not on individual histories. Systems are dynamic, complex, and consist of largely unconscious workings. A well-trained couples therapist can hone in on the parts of a system that have become problematic and have been hidden from view.
Compassionate, respectful feedback helps a couple to understand the formerly hidden pieces of the puzzle, and to fit them together with the pieces they know. With this newfound ability, blame becomes largely irrelevant, and cooperative teamwork can begin.
Joe and Sarah came to see me because their communication was at a standstill, and they were very unhappy in their marriage. Sarah was feeling stifled and controlled by Joe, who was completely overwhelmed by her "overemotional" style and "crazy" moods.
In the first session, Joe frequently cut Sarah off in conversation, directed her actions and often told her what to think. Sarah became angry and shouted him down.
It became clear that this problem first arose when Joe returned from a tour of duty in Iraq. In combat, he learned quickly that the only way to survive was to suppress feelings, respond logically, and always be alert to danger. Adherence to these rules had indeed allowed him to escape injury and death.
As with most neuroses, the problem began when Joe unwittingly transferred the behaviors that were necessary in combat to his relationship with Sarah, where they were highly maladaptive.
As we continued to meet, we learned that Joe's behavior was prompted by an unconscious fear of losing Sarah. He wanted to protect her from the extreme danger he associated with "giving in" to one' s emotions.
As Sarah grew to see how much Joe loved her, and Joe began to understand that he could relax his rigid behaviors, they were able -- with considerable relief and happiness -- to rebuild their relationship.
220 Fifth Avenue
Suite 802
New York, NY 10001
ph: 212-561-1714
Counselo
